Bipolar Emotions and Friendship: Blog #1

I recently had a close friend I used to talk to everyday leave a message on my voicemail telling me to stop calling her unless she calls me. My heart sunk. What I had to realize is that how people present themselves says more about them than me. She has her reasons, sure, and logically I have to respect that but can I not hold thoughts about the communication part of that when she knows my difficult circumstances and in my opinion could have been more tactful?? I think most of us who live with a severe mental illness can relate to being "ghosted" more than we think might happen to those who lack our deep emotion and intensity. I often feel people are worried to communicate with me and say how they feel or ask me to go out of my way for them. What they don't know is that I usually appreciate people being straightforward as long as they are gentle and kind. No need to ignore me and allow my thoughts to go all over the place. I have lost a lot of friends but those that remain are the cream that rises to the top, and that is so much richer than mediocre connections that are fleeting, convenient, and material.

I am lucky that in my post-diagnosis i found a forever friend in my husband, but I realize that for a lot of people like me these friendship difficulties may cause way more emotion without a sounding board that feels when you feel. Prior to diagnosis I lost a lot of friends and in suddenly moving back to my hometown I reached out for old connections but people had their own lives and I'm sure got word of my "issues" and were scared to reconnect. I kind of found a crew but as soon as I had some success in dating they were not so supportive. So I am very protective of those relationships that survived and at times I think I hold on too tight to those connections in my own fear of what it would feel like to really hold space for myself and my sometimes delicate emotions around loneliness.

What I am finding is that I am okay (sometimes even better) by myself if those friendships are not conducive to my growth as a friend and if they don't contain some mutuality. I feel there are a lot of power issues that go into being friends with a person who has experienced heavy stuff and maybe needs to stay in touch with that dark place in order to avoid it happening again in the future. I try to mind my "heaviness" and save most of that for my intimate relationship which has it's positive side and can also throw some intense depth into my marriage. My husband also has a diagnosis and is no stranger to the "ghost" or lack of support in friendships. I think being male gives the issue a whole different dimension and I will explore this as I move through my blogging journey.

Thanks for reading my first blog post for this series which I hope to develop into a kind of autobiography of my "interesting" short time on this earth. I hope my reflections will connect me to some of you and that we can start a real conversation about what it's like living with a mental health diagnosis and navigating the broken systems that surround journeys like mine.