Today's post is to revisit a little part of my life that was really hard but came through with a silver lining. I ended up at a drop-in center for mental health after my only manic episode in the summer of 2011. I decided to see a one-on-one peer counselor who we will call Sherry for this story. Anyway, Sherry is an older lady and my assumption is that she has suffered some major depression sans (without) psychosis. As of late, I guess she talks about weight watchers in her peer counseling classes.
I began to see Sherry weekly until one day I mentioned to her that I thought people were watching me. Her immediate reaction was to say "well, that would be very expensive." After which I replied that there are many entities that have that kind of money and could certainly do that. It was futile. She was visibly disturbed and told me I needed to go to psychiatric emergency services for a med change. I did not agree and decided I would not see her anymore. I know now that these are just thoughts I experience but I don't hold them too close anymore. However, I think it's pretty normal for us to think this after being locked up with cameras everywhere, not to mention the grandiosity that comes with a bipolar 1 diagnosis (especially when that includes psychotic mania).
I told some close friends what was going on. We kind of laughed about it and one of them said you can't tell your therapist that kind of stuff. Number one, what is the point of talk therapy if I can't say what's really on my mind for fear of judgement? Number two, a peer counselor should never be giving advice about meds. I told the director that I was no longer going to see her and she, too seemed worried about me so who knows how my private information was handled (more to come on HIPAA and confidentiality). I decided that unless I could get really good therapy, I was done with it. This put a cherry on top of the bad experience I had with my prior therapy relationship ending because of my psychosis/mania. I felt so stigmatized for my thoughts which I know now are relatively normal based on my relationships with others who have my diagnosis or similar.
Nevertheless, I continued on my path working in the peer movement as an art facilitator and WRAP facilitator. As it turned out, to graduate the last class for county certification, I would have to take a peer case management class with Sherry. I was really apprehensive but had seen her around and I figured she knew now that I was one of the more stable peers. I mostly enjoyed her teaching style despite knowing that in my personal life she had not really been a good peer for me. Fast forward to receiving my final grade from her. I am a good test taker and had written good papers and knew I would pass. What I wasn't ready for was 100 percent on the final test. She literally told me she could find nothing wrong with it. Needless to say, that changed my thoughts about her but I think what is more powerful is that she was able to change her thoughts about me in a very big way. I felt really vindicated and still do to this day about how my intelligence and love for the peer movement and holding space for others' beliefs carried me through a rough relationship that had been stained by stigma.
I know that every time someone lets me down, I'm not always going to see a silver lining but this time I did. I thought it would help others not get too stuck on some of the judgments people make about us. In the end, the journey is yours, the meds and treatments are your choice, and how you choose to live your life is individual. They have tried to overmedicate me and I got down from over 8 pills a day to one pill and one for side effects. Like most of us, I long to be medication free but am not sure what that would look like for me. I am deathly afraid of going inpatient again so I am "compliant"...what a shitty way to put it, huh? Anyway, I am proud that I didn't listen to someone who obviously couldn't relate and/or didn't have the right knowledge to support me in having those thoughts. I still have them, but not as often and they don't hold on as tight as they used to.
I began to see Sherry weekly until one day I mentioned to her that I thought people were watching me. Her immediate reaction was to say "well, that would be very expensive." After which I replied that there are many entities that have that kind of money and could certainly do that. It was futile. She was visibly disturbed and told me I needed to go to psychiatric emergency services for a med change. I did not agree and decided I would not see her anymore. I know now that these are just thoughts I experience but I don't hold them too close anymore. However, I think it's pretty normal for us to think this after being locked up with cameras everywhere, not to mention the grandiosity that comes with a bipolar 1 diagnosis (especially when that includes psychotic mania).
I told some close friends what was going on. We kind of laughed about it and one of them said you can't tell your therapist that kind of stuff. Number one, what is the point of talk therapy if I can't say what's really on my mind for fear of judgement? Number two, a peer counselor should never be giving advice about meds. I told the director that I was no longer going to see her and she, too seemed worried about me so who knows how my private information was handled (more to come on HIPAA and confidentiality). I decided that unless I could get really good therapy, I was done with it. This put a cherry on top of the bad experience I had with my prior therapy relationship ending because of my psychosis/mania. I felt so stigmatized for my thoughts which I know now are relatively normal based on my relationships with others who have my diagnosis or similar.
Nevertheless, I continued on my path working in the peer movement as an art facilitator and WRAP facilitator. As it turned out, to graduate the last class for county certification, I would have to take a peer case management class with Sherry. I was really apprehensive but had seen her around and I figured she knew now that I was one of the more stable peers. I mostly enjoyed her teaching style despite knowing that in my personal life she had not really been a good peer for me. Fast forward to receiving my final grade from her. I am a good test taker and had written good papers and knew I would pass. What I wasn't ready for was 100 percent on the final test. She literally told me she could find nothing wrong with it. Needless to say, that changed my thoughts about her but I think what is more powerful is that she was able to change her thoughts about me in a very big way. I felt really vindicated and still do to this day about how my intelligence and love for the peer movement and holding space for others' beliefs carried me through a rough relationship that had been stained by stigma.
I know that every time someone lets me down, I'm not always going to see a silver lining but this time I did. I thought it would help others not get too stuck on some of the judgments people make about us. In the end, the journey is yours, the meds and treatments are your choice, and how you choose to live your life is individual. They have tried to overmedicate me and I got down from over 8 pills a day to one pill and one for side effects. Like most of us, I long to be medication free but am not sure what that would look like for me. I am deathly afraid of going inpatient again so I am "compliant"...what a shitty way to put it, huh? Anyway, I am proud that I didn't listen to someone who obviously couldn't relate and/or didn't have the right knowledge to support me in having those thoughts. I still have them, but not as often and they don't hold on as tight as they used to.
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