It seems like disappointment has been a constant theme in my life. It is so hard not to compare my life to others. About 8 years ago I started on a new journey of self reflection after a major psychotic break. The success I had dreamed of and worked hard to achieve literally just disappeared and I was left with just a handful if friends and family and little resources to help me navigate my difficult journey. My one biggest success was meeting my husband and maintaining that relationship until now...a feat that I had not managed to do before my bipolar diagnosis at 31. Part of my manifesting exercise in the last couple of years has been to hold this success so close to my heart that even disappointment feels like success because I have him and that feels like all I need.
I have made significant strides in my personal life and the peer mental health community and in Marin county that was not easy. I am not going to say that I live without shame but when I feel that about my life and outcomes, I intentionally try to come up with what I am learning and have learned and how my failures can translate to generational successes in the future of the world. It was not easy to write and successfully get an ongoing grant for the organization in which I used to be involved. I did it all without pay, not for me, but because I believe in the program that I got funded and it's ability to keep people well and avoid or mitigate crisis. I use the tools that I present and I learned so much from my participants about wellness in general from their input in the program I cofacilitated. My husband continues to use this training, from funding procured by me, to bring this to the youth in Marin county. Boom, win!!! Just writing it down helps immensely and my goal in this new year is to share my journey more, including the ups and downs and the benefits I get from sharing are that others can relate and see the power in their steps, regardless of outcome.
I'm not gonna say life was easy alone. I longed for the connection I have today and much of my anxieties and insecurities have dissipated from his love and support of me just being me, which includes supporting him also fiercely. Living with a diagnosis and a "story" is hard everyday and I am in awe at the seemingly easy way my husband does it. He is selfless, resourceful, and undying in his passion to support those with the heftiest of traumas. I fully believe in the peer movement and our relationship is a testament to the power of healing that comes with shared lived experience, however awful that might look on the outside. We take hits, and keep on going. Just now he called saying I had a warning citation for parking in someone's driveway which I clearly did not do. We are forever plagued with stigma in our current neighborhood and he just calmly called me, took pictures for proof, moved my car and is going to call and complain. We are forever advocates and will keep fighting the good fight as long as we can manage.
I took a step back and went to work at a yoga studio. It's a good environment and I will just be happy with that. I was denied a job as assistant manager after taking an iq and personality test. The email that my manager broke the news with did not sit well with me. I know that I am far more capable than the world allows and I am perpetually hard on myself for my shortcomings. It's hard not to reflect negatively on self disclosure but it has also given me so much power over my story to admit my lived experience with mental illness. I am paranoid still but manage my symptoms well and hope to get off of the meds I take because they negatively affect my physical health. Baby steps. The positive is what I need to focus on and fortunately, when you have been where I have been, just having freedom is a huge win and that's scary as well as exciting because I am deep in the peer community and see what others deal with.
I wanted to be perfect about the structure of this blog and wasn't. And I learned something from that. Stay tuned...
I have made significant strides in my personal life and the peer mental health community and in Marin county that was not easy. I am not going to say that I live without shame but when I feel that about my life and outcomes, I intentionally try to come up with what I am learning and have learned and how my failures can translate to generational successes in the future of the world. It was not easy to write and successfully get an ongoing grant for the organization in which I used to be involved. I did it all without pay, not for me, but because I believe in the program that I got funded and it's ability to keep people well and avoid or mitigate crisis. I use the tools that I present and I learned so much from my participants about wellness in general from their input in the program I cofacilitated. My husband continues to use this training, from funding procured by me, to bring this to the youth in Marin county. Boom, win!!! Just writing it down helps immensely and my goal in this new year is to share my journey more, including the ups and downs and the benefits I get from sharing are that others can relate and see the power in their steps, regardless of outcome.
I'm not gonna say life was easy alone. I longed for the connection I have today and much of my anxieties and insecurities have dissipated from his love and support of me just being me, which includes supporting him also fiercely. Living with a diagnosis and a "story" is hard everyday and I am in awe at the seemingly easy way my husband does it. He is selfless, resourceful, and undying in his passion to support those with the heftiest of traumas. I fully believe in the peer movement and our relationship is a testament to the power of healing that comes with shared lived experience, however awful that might look on the outside. We take hits, and keep on going. Just now he called saying I had a warning citation for parking in someone's driveway which I clearly did not do. We are forever plagued with stigma in our current neighborhood and he just calmly called me, took pictures for proof, moved my car and is going to call and complain. We are forever advocates and will keep fighting the good fight as long as we can manage.
I took a step back and went to work at a yoga studio. It's a good environment and I will just be happy with that. I was denied a job as assistant manager after taking an iq and personality test. The email that my manager broke the news with did not sit well with me. I know that I am far more capable than the world allows and I am perpetually hard on myself for my shortcomings. It's hard not to reflect negatively on self disclosure but it has also given me so much power over my story to admit my lived experience with mental illness. I am paranoid still but manage my symptoms well and hope to get off of the meds I take because they negatively affect my physical health. Baby steps. The positive is what I need to focus on and fortunately, when you have been where I have been, just having freedom is a huge win and that's scary as well as exciting because I am deep in the peer community and see what others deal with.
I wanted to be perfect about the structure of this blog and wasn't. And I learned something from that. Stay tuned...
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