Mental Health Princess

This fire is gonna carry me  Or it's gonna bury me Caught in a tug of war Between being rich or poor The love I thought saved me In the end depraved me Feeling forlorn My intent was to mourn I can see the stars and I can see the ashes  Drenched and covered in a light that gases

It seems like disappointment has been a constant theme in my life. It is so hard not to compare my life to others. About 8 years ago I started on a new journey of self reflection after a major psychotic break. The success I had dreamed of and worked hard to achieve literally just disappeared and I was left with just a handful if friends and family and little resources to help me navigate my difficult journey. My one biggest success was meeting my husband and maintaining that relationship until now...a feat that I had not managed to do before my bipolar diagnosis at 31. Part of my manifesting exercise in the last couple of years has been to hold this success so close to my heart that even disappointment feels like success because I have him and that feels like all I need. I have made significant strides in my personal life and the peer mental health community and in Marin county that was not easy. I am not going to say that I live without shame but when I feel that about my life and out...

Well today I had some other topics I was considering but I woke up to a letter from the franchise tax board so I'm going to talk a little about the finance struggle for those of us who has diagnoses. I was a real estate agent when I had my episode in 2011. I had roughly 10,000 dollars to my name and back taxes I needed to do. Needless to say, I became unable to complete them on my own after my episode. When I finally had them done, the person helping me was unable to do deductions the way I would have been able. So I owed thousands of dollars (over 50k). As life has progressed and I was getting ready to be married, I didn't do anything about any of it because of my extreme anxiety around this subject. I have been prodded to do it by those who know my circumstances and even my husband has let me slide. Well, this month, after all of my husband's tax return was garnished for my back taxes my dad let me know that he wouldn't help us out with anything until I attempt to...

Today's post is to revisit a little part of my life that was really hard but came through with a silver lining. I ended up at a drop-in center for mental health after my only manic episode in the summer of 2011. I decided to see a one-on-one peer counselor who we will call Sherry for this story. Anyway, Sherry is an older lady and my assumption is that she has suffered some major depression sans (without) psychosis. As of late, I guess she talks about weight watchers in her peer counseling classes.  I began to see Sherry weekly until one day I mentioned to her that I thought people were watching me. Her immediate reaction was to say "well, that would be very expensive." After which I replied that there are many entities that have that kind of money and could certainly do that. It was futile. She was visibly disturbed and told me I needed to go to psychiatric emergency services for a med change. I did not agree and decided I would not see her anymore. I know now that these...

I recently had a close friend I used to talk to everyday leave a message on my voicemail telling me to stop calling her unless she calls me. My heart sunk. What I had to realize is that how people present themselves says more about them than me. She has her reasons, sure, and logically I have to respect that but can I not hold thoughts about the communication part of that when she knows my difficult circumstances and in my opinion could have been more tactful?? I think most of us who live with a severe mental illness can relate to being "ghosted" more than we think might happen to those who lack our deep emotion and intensity. I often feel people are worried to communicate with me and say how they feel or ask me to go out of my way for them. What they don't know is that I usually appreciate people being straightforward as long as they are gentle and kind. No need to ignore me and allow my thoughts to go all over the place. I have lost a lot of friends but those that rem...